The Dazzler

 The night is young at the Dazzler
I spiked my own drink, took myself to bed
Alone I pondered the cheap frills of hotels
The miniatures, the endless throwaway towels
One for my hair, one for my foot
Another for my other foot
My face, my neck, my spilled beverages

Drunk in my hotel room, I look perfect
I look like I'm 24 before I caught your coldness
God, I'm gorgeous
I keep begging for late checkouts
Let me stay here, let me live here
In room 232 till I expire, I can shower for hours
Leave the lights on, I'm not paying those bills

The neighbours are quiet, no one is back yet
I think about the falsity of hotel sex
Expensive bedsheets and the orange glowing filaments
The way you used to say you loved me
In the heat of it, holiday feeling
When it wasn't over too quick
Yeah, I'll throw the TV out the window
And I'll paint the whole room gold
I'll make potions with the minibar here
Yeah, I feel unbalanced, put my feet on the walls
Try and reach you all night, I'm not paying for calls

Oh, this is heaven
Alone
Yeah, this is living
Alone

 Ex:Re - The Dazzler

"This song hit me hard in many ways, I relate to it, it brings me back to the nights in the city where I would wander around and see all the happy couples walking around, laughing, kissing, cuddling, having dinner, living. The loneliness I felt was suffocating, I would call up guys for a cheap thrill, some sex in a decent hotel with some drinks just to feel something other than the emptiness inside me, growing. I would feel sick after like I was degrading myself for sinking this low just to escape my problems. 

I felt like nobody would love me in those times, I was kind of hoping that one day a guy wouldn’t just get up and leave once the sex ended. I was hoping they would stay and hold me and let me cry out all this sadness enveloping me, engulfing my being deep inside. There were many nights in that city, in those hotel rooms, of just loneliness, pleasure, relief, hopelessness and confusion, I could see the imprints of myself in the walls. 

My life is better now, I’m lucky for what I have and the guy I have in my life. I’ll never forget though those feelings and how close I was to ending it all in one of those rooms, each night was like a dance with death. Those memories feel like a blur, they’re strangely nostalgic. This song brings it all right out of me. I’m grateful for escaping that cycle, I know some that never escape."

For me loneliness and melancholy have never been sad, only romantic and so desired... But this music is so painful yet so beautiful I can even put in the words. This is too personal, too outspoken, too beautiful, too fragile yet too strong. This not just a song, this is a story of lonely soul in absolutely lonely world, told in a such a piercing way, that I feel myself as if I were you... And these feeling are so beyond all bearing... But this is heaven, alone. Yes, this is living, alone.